Sex Life

A kick in the ass is a step forward!

Trouble In Paradise: My Sex Life Sucks!

So, the room was set perfectly for a romantic evening…..curtains drawn…lights dimmed…..candles lit, incensing the air with that subtle aroma perfect to set your moods in…. you eagerly waited for your partner to return from work to this surprise…soaking in the whims and fancies that make you flutter…dying to be in your partners arms…kissing, hugging, snuggling…..sipping his favourite wine…. slow dancing to his favourite songs…. gradually approaching that moment when nothing is be heard….. But your hearts pounding…..your breathes mingling……and..And…all your fantasies are shattered….once again you are spurned….once again your desire were left unrequited…

Humans, invariably, desire to find that one person with whom we want to spend the rest of our lives. We want to live each and every moment of our lives with them. We want to grow old with them and really never get old enough to stop loving them. Life truly becomes a celebration when we are married to that person, with whom we click instantly, and who makes us feel thus. However, at times, due to distinct reasons, things just don’t seem to fall together. We care for each other, respect and love each other, and most importantly we understand each other. Emotionally, we seem to feel very connected. However, when it comes to physical intimacy, we are lacking there. There seems to be something that is holding back, either one or both the partners from crossing, what seems to be a huge sea that exists between them. And this causes immense distress as humans exhibit a strong need to be physically intimate with their partner. Are you married and feel that your sex life sucks? Then you have certainly come to the right place. There is absolutely no need to feel ashamed of such issues for they are not uncommon. You definitely are not alone. Most importantly such issues are not unremitting.

Why sex is so important in marriage? Sex, in our culture, is a taboo, if it is not institutionalized. It is deemed to be accepted as a relation established between husband and wife. Therefore, everyone has quite high expectations when they get married. They want to experience a distinct kind of relation, which they cannot otherwise. However, once a couple consummate their marriage, the reason to repeat this behaviour changes. People want to establish sexual relations for distinct reasons- for pleasure, to make their bond strong, to feel emotionally connected, to ensure the longevity of their relationship, to feel secure, to procreate, and so on. Now, since having sex fulfills so many of our desires, it becomes an essential aspect of our relationship. Therefore, for the sustenance of a healthy and happy married life, supposedly, one’s sex life must be satiating, if not great.

Before we go about discussing physiological problems that maybe ruining your sex life, let’s first look at the possible psychological causes that maybe fiddling with your relationship. In majority of cases in which one’s sex life is disturbed due to a seemingly physical deformity, one’s past experiences actually turn out to be playing a significant role. People who have had endured traumatizing events as rape, molestation, sexual harassment, etc show a great deal of trouble in forming physical relationships. This is so because they truly never overcame that trauma in the first place. Consequently, whenever they try to advance towards their beloved, they experience an array of negative emotions that have been conditioned in their behaviour by the unpleasant past experience, and may even have flashbacks of that trauma. This forces them to retreat, bothering not only them but also their partner. In some other cases, where individuals do not feel confident with their own body, due to negative body-image issues, they are unable to give themselves entirely to their partner, thereby creating a similar situation as discussed before. In both the cases, the situation keeps getting worse, every time one partner’s advances are shrugged off by the other one, due to his own inhibitions, with the consequence that their relationship has to endure the foreboding threat of growing apart, in case issues are not resolved via healthy communication.

Sexual Dysfunctioning

The term ‘sexual dysfunction’ refers to impairment, either in the desire for sexual gratification or in the ability to achieve it. Dysfunction can occur in any of the three phases of human sexual response; desire, excitement, and orgasm. Therefore, a sexually dysfunctioning individually either:-

lacks the desire to initiate or participate in sexual activities, or

fails to get aroused in the presence of a sexual stimulus, or

fails to reach orgasm

Sexual Dysfunctions In Males

MALE HYPOACTIVE SEXUAL DESIRE DISORDER; whereby the individual exhibits little, or no desire for sex. In extreme cases, one may show aversion to sexual activities.

ERECTILE DISORDER; whereby the individual finds hard to attain or maintain an adequate erection until the completion of sexual activity.

EARLY EJACULATION; whereby the individual experiences persistent and recurrent onset of orgasm and ejaculation following minimal stimulation

DELAYED EJACULATION; whereby the individual fails, persistently, to ejaculate during sexual intercourse.

Sexual Dysfunctions In Females

FEMALE SEXUAL INTEREST/AROUSAL DISORDER; whereby the individual shows persistent lack of interest in sexual activities and/ or inability to be aroused by adequate sexual stimulation.

GENITO PELVIC PAIN/PENETRATION DISORDER; whereby the individual persistently finds difficulty in having sexual intercourse, experiences pain during intercourse, experiences anxiety concerning pain and/or penetration, or experiences tensing of pelvic floor muscles during attempted vaginal penetration.

FEMALE ORGASMIC DISORDER; whereby the individual persistently experiences delayed or absence of orgasm, despite being sexually aroused, and despite enjoying sexual activity.

Having been enlightened about these physiological reasons that inhibit sexual relation, you may be wondering what makes these causal factors find a place in this article. It has no relevance to psychology? One facing such issues is definitely going to approach a sexologist? What is the need for a psychologists here? Well, my friends, there is no need to jump on such conclusions. Things are much more intricate that we presume. Research has found that there are varied psychological aspects to these physiological issues. To make things easier for you to understand, let’s put it the other way. Sometimes, what apparently seems to be a physiological disorder, in reality is triggered by an underlying psychological condition. Anxiety and depression, for instance, have been found to play a major role in triggering problems of sexual dysfunctioning. Performance pressure is another phenomena which has been found to disrupt sexual activities. Therefore, it is always better to consult a psychologist when facing such issues. There are a variety of therapies that have been found to help couples better cope with a miserable or non-existent sex life, than medicines do alone.

It is needless to say that one must approach professionals at the earliest to rid oneself of such troubles that pester us forevermore, if let to linger. But, it is easier said than done! Right?

Couples with sex problems often choose to stay ignorant about their problems because, usually:-

They think that their problems will disappear magically,

They are unaware about the help that they can avail,

They are embarrassed to talk about their private affairs,

They fear being judged

In fact, such couples are even reluctant to bring up conversations concerning their bedroom life amongst themselves,and choose to suffer within individually. This silence sows seeds of discord in marriage. Shame, guilt, poor self-esteem, insecurity issues, attachment problems, infidelity, etc are just a few hiccups that one has to endure in the long run. Consequently, bitterness creeps in their relationship, to the extent that their lingers a constant threat of separation.

‘Prevention is better than cure!’ It is always better to get your life back on track, before time runs out of your hands. Else, ultimately, all you will be left with is regrets and remorse. Therefore, choose your health! Choose your happiness! Choose Therapy 1on1! We won’t judge you. We strive for your health! We strive for your happiness! Coz your life is definitely worth it.